My favorite thing about getting older as a kid was being able to have a birthday party. What I enjoyed even more than the party was what led up to the party… the planning, the invitations, and the LISTS. I’d list out all of my friends, then decide who was superior enough to come. Sometimes, I’d order my friends by who I was closest with: best friends at the top and not best friends where the not best friends belong.
ANYWAY, being in New Jersey with the fam-bam and seeing my friends from middle/high school made me nostalgic. But I’ve just returned to the land of endless sun, waxed bums, and Native Foods (missed you boo), so i’m celebrating by making some NEW LISTS.
This one’s called “I hate people who”…
I hate people who:
-Facetime aloud on public transport. No, I do not care if your girlfriend just got a new puppy. And I absolutely do not want to see that puppy taking it’s first crap in your shoes. Thanks tho
-Can casually snack on peanut m&ms before lunchtime. That’s bad ass and I hate you.
-Can rock belly shirts and belly rings
-Constantly talk about snapchat
-Pretend everything’s great when it’s barely mediocre/ actually fucking sucks
-Are always in a relationship
-Are always talking about their relationship
-Chew gum like a cow
Now, that’s a lot of negativity I just let loose… and it doesn’t seem fair that I should be able to bag on all of these people, am I right? So, here’s ANOTHER list:
You probably HATE when I:
-Speak my entire day’s schedule aloud
-Only eat 1/2 of my sushi roll at a time, letting the other half fall onto the plate and make a gross disgusting mess. TBH people like me don’t deserve to eat sushi.
-Constantly complain about how expensive things are
-Show my midriff at inappropriate times
-Talk quite loudly about things that embarrass the average person like vibrators or your intimacy issues. Or about my indigestion struggles.
-Get really weird and stoney then try to make everything into a philosophical theory. Like, when I came to the “realization” that even Michelle Obama has her period and has to wear pads. Which are giant diapers.
-Complain that I hooked up with a guy and not a girl… again. Like oops Allison stop getting drunk and then conveniently “forgetting” what side of the spectrum you’re REALLY on. Jeesh.
That’s all the hate for today! I feel great now 🙂
Free Bagels 